I was just joking...

I was eating ice-cream in a parlor few days ago. It so happened that a little girl about 2 years old was sitting right next to me. She had an amazing english for a 2 year old and was fond of chitchatting.
We quickly became friends and sat there chatting. I got myself another helping of a large triple scoop of dark chocolate ice-cream and nuts and as I sat I noticed the girl was looking at my serving. Just to tease her I said "do you want it?". As expected, she replied with a beaming yes.
To have some fun, I said "I won't give it to you". Immediately I realized my mistake because the girl got offended and became very sad.
I tried to cheer her up by offering the ice-cream again but there was no way she was taking it. She was not angry, she was just offended and sad. She continued to talk to me but did not even look towards the ice-cream. Her talk was not the same as before. For the next 15 minutes I kept telling her that I was just joking. I tried to get her to eat the ice-cream just to get out of my guilt, my ice-cream was as good as milkshake by now but she didn't even look at it.
Just one negative joke from me had damaged a budding friendship. I'm not sure if I will ever see that girl again but I know that I have made a permanent dent on her experience with me. Her parents were sitting nearby and didn't mind me speaking to her. Interestingly, they seemed to enjoy the whole drama of me pleading to their 2 year old.
Very often we make the same mistake of passing some casual comment, making a rogue remark, cracking a negative joke, being sarcastic, commenting about another person's appearances, personality, limitations etc. Sometimes we do this in private and sometimes in front of others. We think we are being funny without realizing that we might be hurting someone.
I am a strong believer in the power of words. Remember, in those old mythologies when the sage would curse the king and the curse cannot be reversed. There's a reason behind that too...
What has been articulated and uttered will happen. A word spoken whether positive or negative cannot be taken back.
Looks like philosophy, doesn't it?
Look back at your own life and see how many times you have something will happen and it happened... And you found yourself telling "dekha... Bola tha na...." "see... I told you"
How many times someone else has told you this very sentence.
Looks like it's not just a philosophy or Gyan...
The learning I take for myself is that even in a joke I will not use a negative statement.
I'm already working on it and trust me, cracking a positive joke is not easy...

Am I looking for a "reason to do" or Am I looking for a "reason not to do"???

Had to make a decision recently. There is this certain project in which I participate every year, this year also the project is happening but I had not signed up for it. The reasoning I had was that I may not be able to do justice to the project due to other commitments. I kept on postponing my registration because of this reason.
I spoke to my guide in the project and after some time of discussion (just a 4 minute telephone call), I was very sure and confident that I can take it up and execute what is expected from me.
What has shaken me up was the fact that just before I spoke to the person, I was convinced that I won't be doing the project this year. After I spoke to him, I was convinced that I will do the project this year.
What changed in the 4 minute conversation we had?
I realised that the reason for my decision was not because I had commitments or I was busy or I don't know how to plan my time or any of those reasons. But somehow I had convinced myself that I don't want to do the project this year, and because of this conviction, I was able to see all the reasons not to go ahead.
Before we spoke, I was looking for a reason for not doing the project. After I spoke, I realised the value which is added to me by the project and how I can return it, and suddenly I was looking for a reason to do the project.

One more example...
You came home, tired from a day full of office work. She said lets go for an evening walk. You said you are too tired. Walk cancelled. You received a call from a friend, he has got 2 tickets for "Fast & Furious 5", guess what, you are on your way to the movie theatre.
Keeping it short and sweet, you were looking for a reason for not going on the walk, on the other hand you were looking for a reason to go on the movie.
If you are one of those newly weds, you are probably leaving your office early these days to go on an evening walk with her... in this case, you are looking for a reason to go on a walk with her...

Same is applicable in so many aspects of our lives...

I'll keep this one short because I am still understanding the impact of this realisation...
The only rule I follow these days is that for everything I do (or I don't want to do), I ask myself one question - "Whether I'm looking for a reason to do, or am I looking for a reason not to do?"

A fingertip can block the sun...

Was driving my bike to the office today morning. I always wear full face helmet while driving and very often close the visor (glass) to avoid dust getting into my eyes. Mine is an old helmet and the visor has quite a few scratches but I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t notice the scratches anymore when I drive with the visor on.

Its funny that I am able to see through the scratches and look at the long road ahead. On one of the very initial days of my bike riding, this very scratch had caused an accident when I was busy looking at the scratch on the glass while driving. I missed the red light and ended up with the bike on top of me.

But today, with enough training (or habit), I can ignore the scratch and drive comfortably.

Even more interesting was the fact that I can shift focus of my eyes such that when I want to see the road, I’m able to see it and when I want to see the scratches, I’m able to shift my focus and see them too.

This scratch, at one time, had the ability to block my entire range of vision.

I was sitting with a very close friend a few weeks back and we had met after a long time. We spent a long time recalling the good old school days, how we had fun, spoke about a lot of old friends and so on. Somewhere in the conversation, my friend said something which was not ok, although he said it very casually but it was something not ok. Right now, as I sit and try to recall, more than any of the topics we spoke about, this casual remark is what I can remember.

This one remark has the ability to spoil the memories of my entire day. It is now my choice whether I want to hold on to it or relish the memories of the rest of the day.

I remember when I used to take interviews, I had rejected a good candidate just because his shoe was not polished while he was very well dressed otherwise.

Lets say you are looking at the sunrise. Just hold your finger tip very close to your eye so that the finger tip is blocking the sun from your view. Hold you finger so close that it is just half a centimeter away from your eye.

(Ok, if it is nighttime right now, then just look at the moon and do the same exercise.)

What is important is that a finger, which can’t even be measured on the same scale as the sun, can cover the sun and hide it from your line of sight.

Same is the case with all of us in various aspects of our lives, one thing which is not okay has the ability to block our entire vision. One discussion can spoil the relationship, one weak subject can spoil the exams, one small mistake can spoil the impression built over years.

We hold the problem so close that it starts blocking our ability to see including our ability to see solutions.

“Ok Gulshan, you’ve made your point, now how do we solve it?”

Going back to the sun example which we saw above, remember that you were holding the finger half a centimeter away from your eye. Now start moving the finger away from your eye, you will see that the finger starts appearing smaller and smaller and you can see more things at the same time.

Moving the finger away from the eye… does that mean running away from the problem?

No.

It just means that we emotionally detach ourselves from the problem so we can see the solution more clearly.

Yes, we definitely need to get away from the problem but not by running away. We either solve the problem, if we can’t solve it then find someone with a higher intelligence who can help us to solve it, or if it is something so small that it won’t have any impact on my life, then as well ignore it and be happier.

Think about it… Just a fingertip can block the sun.