Is it ok to cry?

Was watching a game show on TV where a guy winning Rs 5,000,000 was faced with a question for Rs 10,000,000. He had one celebrity on the show to help him out with the question. The celebrity guest gave him the answer and it turned out right...
There was euphoria all over the sets, everyone was happy, everyone was celebrating and dancing... Just for a split second they showed the face of that celebrity and he was wiping his tears off.
Why was he crying?

From our childhood, we have been brought up being told that we should not cry... crying is a sign of weakness... Crying is for girls only... etc.... etc... etc...

I was lucky enough to have a teacher explain to me the science behind crying.
In short, lets just say that when our mind doesn't know how to handle a certain emotion, it processes that emotion into tears and we cry...
That is the reason why we feel like crying when we are too happy, too emotional, too sad and so on...

It is ok to cry out of joy...
It is ok to cry out of happiness...
It is ok to cry out of gratitude...
It is ok to cry out of compassion... feeling the pain of another person...
Maybe, just maybe it is ok to cry in pain...

But going on crying out of one's own pain is not ok.
You keep crying because there are challenges in your life, because someone doesn't love you, because you are ugly, because you are fat, because someone said something to you, because you are not good in studies... because god made you as a boy or a girl... and for all the possible reasons...

Answer one question for me:
I cried when I lost a loved one. That day I cried a lot, cried like a baby. Will you be ok if I continue to cry even today for that one loss which happened years ago???
No... right? If you see me crying today for someone who died ages ago, you will probably ask me to go see a doctor... right or not?
Then why do you have to hold on to one thing and keep crying about it?

"Gulshan, you don't understand my position, my pain, my sufferings"...

Darling, I don't even want to understand...

I Hindu system of belief, when someone dies, there is a mourning period of 13 days, after which everyone moves on with life...
Religion itself says that even death doesn't deserve more than 13 days of crying...

If you think its worth crying, then cry... cry right now... cry out as loud as you can... cry till your lungs, throat and eyes start paining... continue to cry till you feel content... and once you are done crying, decide that you will never cry for this thing again...

Whatever the reason has been so far, the crying has to end today...
Make a decision today that you will not cry out of your own pain again and then see, even He won't be able to give you a reason to cry...

I'm not against crying...Tears are the purest form of expression...

Crying is ok as long as it is out of feeling for other person's feelings, whether joy or sorrow... that brings us closer to that other person...
Crying is ok as long as it leads you into action and results in a solution...

Crying out of self pity and self pain is utterhelplessness... It only releases negative vibrations around you which will encompass even your loved ones...

Make a decision... Make it now...

Thank you Same to you...

My grandpa was an amazing person... Probably the best grandpa in the world...
If there is a toy I need, I just need to point at it, don't even have to ask...
If my mom is torturing me too much with the homework... I just need to send out a signal to him, he would swoop in and rescue me...
I learnt a lot of good things from him, including my first ever morning exercises...
There was this one habit of my grandpa which was a bit strange, infact we used to tease him for that habit...
Whenever someone would wish him "Happy Birthday", he would reply with a "Thank you, Same to you". Year after year, he would repeat this same response. He had a very good command over english and this was not normal, so many times we explained that you should stop at "Thank You", "Same to you" is not required, but somehow he was not able to give up that wording and continued to say "Thank you Same to you" till his last birthday...

He's not around anymore, but somehow his style makes sense... Knowingly or unknowingly he had left a very powerful 5 worded message - "Thank you, Same to you..."

Somehow I have come to understand it as this: "Thank you" for the wishes, "Same to you" because the day of my birthday should be a Happy Day for you too...

Initially it was a part of missing him but over a period of time somehow my programming has become such that for the last 7-8 years, whenever someone has wished me Happy Birthday, I always say "Thank You" and somewhere a voice inside says "Same to you"

Only those very close to me get to hear me say it out aloud... all others don't get to because they would think I'm a weirdo and are not ready for it yet...

But the power of the message is quite simple... When you wish me a Happy Birthday, I say thank you, but when I say "Same to you" I'm also wishing to you that let my birthday be a happy day for you...

So all those who wished me a Happy Birthday today... A Biggggggggggg Thank You and Same to You...

Kabir was Right...

दुःख में सुमिरन सब करे, सुख में करे न कोई
जो सुख में सुमिरन करे, तो दुःख काहे को होई...

The closest translation could be - Everyone thinks of Him in times of sorrow, nobody thinks of Him in joy. If everyone could think of Him in times of joy, then why should there be a reason for sorrow???

How long did you pray when that loved one's life was in danger? Now, how long did you pray after someone was born in the family?

How long did you pray when he / she was in ICU in critical condition? How long did you pray after the doctor said everything was ok?

From the last day of exams till the date of result, you prayed for good results... On getting that rank, you went partying the same evening...

How long did you think of Him when that promotion / appraisal / salary increment was due??? How long did you think of Him after they came???

Even if everything in your life is going great, awesome, perfect... what is the longest you have thought of Him at a single time in the last 1 year???

How long did you think of Him before she finally said "yes"? How long have you thought of Him after marrying her?
(well... I could be wrong on this one... for all I know, you could be thinking of Him longer and harder now...)

Everytime we faced testing times, we prayed harder and with greater intensity... Everytime when the things became alright we made a quick thankyou, maybe a trip to temple, a coconut and a few flowers, a chaddar, a candle depending on our belief system... thats it...

Just imagine how you would feel if you give all the joys, toys, good food, facilities, everything to your little one and he walks away from you everytime with just a Thanks.
That little one enjoys everything you give and still keeps walking away from you... what will you do???
At some point you will feel like reminding him that you are the one giving and that he should be coming towards you and not going away from you... won't you feel that???

Kabir was right...

Do you still need some swami or some baba to come and tell you this truth???

My Prayer…

At 13, my prayer was “God, please let the exam be easy, please let the easy questions come, I have to beat that first ranker” – then I figured that the prayer itself was wrong… if the exam is easy then even the first ranker will find it easy and get even further ahead of me…

At 16, my prayer was “God, I have done my share of studying, please give me the result that I deserve”. Smart one isn’t it? Problem was that this used to come after reciting a long list of other prayers of which almost half the words I didn’t know the meaning of…

At 20, my prayer was “God, give me strength to work as much as I can, as hard as I can and make as much wealth as I can”… Still after reciting a long list of prayers which I now somewhat understood…

Then came a few wake up calls… a few times when I did not get what I asked God for… It was too painful at times, but in retrospect, it turns out to be for a greater good. Something better was always on the way.

That’s when I realized that whatever I ask, I will get only what is good for me, when its good for me and in the amount that is required for me. Nothing else… nothing before or after… nothing less or more…

If a 3 year old asks for a knife, he will not and should not be given one… he will only get a pair of safety scissors which can cut only paper…

If a 12 year old asks for a motorcycle, he will not and should not be given one… he will only get a bicycle or an electric junior bike…

So my prayer became… “God, give me what is good for me.”

Then again, it is like telling the Doctor – “Give me a good medicine which should heal me”

Or telling a priest to do the worship with devotion

Or telling a teacher to – “Teach properly”

Who am I to tell that force what to do and what not to do?

What is it that I could possibly ask for in a prayer?

Is prayer really all about asking only?

Then my prayer became just a continuous chant of “Thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you…”

And then one day… the "Thank you" dissolved into a silence… and that’s when I realized that this silence is my most beautiful communication with that force.

Just pure silence… not a single word… not a single thought… not a feeling… just a silence…

I know this might sound like some kind of fancy philosophy to most of the readers, but its something that has to be experienced. Infinite feelings and experiences cannot be communicated with finite words…

If you think you still can’t get what I’m talking about, then do this…
Think about the one person who you love the most. The next time that person is sleeping, just look at the face of the person. No feelings… no thoughts… no words… just look… and soon you will realize that you have been looking at that face for quite a few minutes…

If you don’t live with that person, just look at a photograph of that person.
Let me know how that experience was…

That is just a very very tiny glimpse of the silence I’m talking about…

I still need to clarify that I have not stopped the prayers and chants which I used to do earlier, I still do those at times. Those processes are like my anchors to keep me rooted to my belief system. The only difference is that now I know the meaning of the words coming out of my mouth. Now I'm not dependent on these processes to feel complete... and finally, after all this, the only thing follows is that silence…

My Anchor...

An Anchor is probably the most important tool after a compass.
An Anchor is something which holds the ship in place.
Every seagoing ship is fitted with an Anchor. Everytime the ship drops anchors, the anchor goes and gets stuck at the ocean floor and holds the ship in place. This way, it ensures that the ship stays in one place and does not drift away in the currents.
Just for an example, imagine that two ships were parked in a place at night, one of them used an anchor and another one didn't, through the night, the tides came and went, lot of currents came. Do you think both the ships will still be there in the morning?
No...
The one without the anchor would have drifted away somewhere... lost / directionless / probably run aground.

There is a sanskrit word "Bhav" (भव) which means "existential" (or "to exist").
Another sanskrit word "Sagar" (सागर) means "ocean".
Time and again we have heard this word BhavSagar (भवसागर), which literally translated means the existential ocean.
Now, if we see our surroundings as a Bhavsagar then we have to be the ship in the this sea.
As we saw earlier, every ship has to have an Anchor. In the same way, even we (or atleast most of us) have our Anchors.
My Anchor could be my Mother, my God, that Pilgrimage where I go every year, my Belief system, my Family, my Teacher or anybody to whom I hold myself accountable. Even the reflection in the mirror can be my anchor if I have enough courage to look into its eyes.
My Anchor is that force in whose presence, I can be myself, in whose presence I cannot lie, which is with me even when it is not with me. Time to time, I need to go back to my Anchor and give my account.
There is too much of currents around us, emotional, societal, professional, academic... too many of them...
We have to find an Anchor to find our stability. It could be anything depending on the maturity of a person.
If you have found an Anchor already, consider yourself blessed and never ever let go of it...
Paradoxical but so True... We need an Anchor to get across the Bhavsagar...

Head and Body - Part II

The lungs are screaming for some fresh air but the head says its okay to pump them with tobacco smoke. Somehow the head is convinced that this body is among those lucky few bodies who will survive the smoke...
The liver is rotting away trying to filter all the filth the head decided to consume, somehow the head thinks that the body has amazing resistance. Even the water filter used in the cleanest water supply gets dirty with time, what chances does the body stand against alcohol???
After climbing 2 floors the heart is already working overtime, still the head thinks that its ok to eat ghee, butter and cheese and not exercise...
Even those censored places start screaming the next morning, but still the head thinks that it's okay to eat extra spicy food...
Every time the head takes a wrong decision, the body tries to fight back... But somehow we headless heads still continue doing what we think is right...
Then one day the body finally gives up...
Not just from a physical perspective but in every field where I can see I have seen one thing for fact...
The head has to respect the feedback that comes from the body...
And if by a rare chance the head knows it is wrong and still continues to do wrong... Well... I'll better leave it unsaid...

Head and Body – Part I

Have been thinking about this topic for a few months now. The relationship between the head and body has its impact in every walk of life. The relationship between the head and the body can be seen in an organization, a family, a person – physically, intellectually, spiritually… and in so many other ways…

Trying to understand the relationship in an organization, I was able to relate to past experiences.

I had a few chances to go on consulting assignments with my earlier partner. Whenever we would take up a new assignment, my partner would insist that the MD of the client company should sit through the sessions. I always used to wonder why such a demand.

After all we have to work on the operations teams, look at improving their efficiencies, their processes etc, then why should the boss sit in all these activities. My partner used to say – “If the head of the organization is not in your team, then the project is already a failure”

Just imagine, you sit and spend so much time changing the people’s attitude and work culture, put a new system in place, emphasize the importance of following a system.

The people listen to you and start following the new system, and one fine day the boss comes and gives an overriding instruction to his people, they have to bypass a few controls and “do as the boss says”… What is the point of having the system in the first place then? Whatever work you did on the team is wasted.

Take another example – The organization has a legacy system in place which is slow and inefficient but everyone is used to it. Because of management decision, a new advanced system is installed which is more efficient but looks more complicated to use. Now, if the head of the team is not willing to use this new system, do you think the remaining team will be interested in it?

If the boss keeps telling his team not to take long leaves and goes on a vacation himself, do you think the team will listen?

On the other hand, if the boss himself is working even on a holiday because there is a deliverable due, you will see that atleast a few team members will volunteer to come.

If the boss keeps complaining about the management of the company, do you think the team will have any respect for the management?

In all the above examples, the boss is the head and his team is the body.

Lets see the relationship between our head and bodies, the head makes a decision to eat, body does the necessary actions. If the food is too hot, body sends a feedback to the brain (which is normally located inside the head) and the instruction to blow and eat carefully come back to the body.

This relationship between the head and the body is based on a constant flow of instructions and feedback. If one of them is not working properly, just imagine what could happen to our bodies.

In the same way, the head of a team has to respect the feedback received from the team. If the boss is doing something wrong, it is the team’s responsibility to flag it off, of course, there are a few things where the head knows better.

The link between the head and the body has to be a healthy one, flow of instructions has to be clear and transparent, there has to be constant feedback from the body to the head.