My Prayer…

At 13, my prayer was “God, please let the exam be easy, please let the easy questions come, I have to beat that first ranker” – then I figured that the prayer itself was wrong… if the exam is easy then even the first ranker will find it easy and get even further ahead of me…

At 16, my prayer was “God, I have done my share of studying, please give me the result that I deserve”. Smart one isn’t it? Problem was that this used to come after reciting a long list of other prayers of which almost half the words I didn’t know the meaning of…

At 20, my prayer was “God, give me strength to work as much as I can, as hard as I can and make as much wealth as I can”… Still after reciting a long list of prayers which I now somewhat understood…

Then came a few wake up calls… a few times when I did not get what I asked God for… It was too painful at times, but in retrospect, it turns out to be for a greater good. Something better was always on the way.

That’s when I realized that whatever I ask, I will get only what is good for me, when its good for me and in the amount that is required for me. Nothing else… nothing before or after… nothing less or more…

If a 3 year old asks for a knife, he will not and should not be given one… he will only get a pair of safety scissors which can cut only paper…

If a 12 year old asks for a motorcycle, he will not and should not be given one… he will only get a bicycle or an electric junior bike…

So my prayer became… “God, give me what is good for me.”

Then again, it is like telling the Doctor – “Give me a good medicine which should heal me”

Or telling a priest to do the worship with devotion

Or telling a teacher to – “Teach properly”

Who am I to tell that force what to do and what not to do?

What is it that I could possibly ask for in a prayer?

Is prayer really all about asking only?

Then my prayer became just a continuous chant of “Thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you…”

And then one day… the "Thank you" dissolved into a silence… and that’s when I realized that this silence is my most beautiful communication with that force.

Just pure silence… not a single word… not a single thought… not a feeling… just a silence…

I know this might sound like some kind of fancy philosophy to most of the readers, but its something that has to be experienced. Infinite feelings and experiences cannot be communicated with finite words…

If you think you still can’t get what I’m talking about, then do this…
Think about the one person who you love the most. The next time that person is sleeping, just look at the face of the person. No feelings… no thoughts… no words… just look… and soon you will realize that you have been looking at that face for quite a few minutes…

If you don’t live with that person, just look at a photograph of that person.
Let me know how that experience was…

That is just a very very tiny glimpse of the silence I’m talking about…

I still need to clarify that I have not stopped the prayers and chants which I used to do earlier, I still do those at times. Those processes are like my anchors to keep me rooted to my belief system. The only difference is that now I know the meaning of the words coming out of my mouth. Now I'm not dependent on these processes to feel complete... and finally, after all this, the only thing follows is that silence…