That's because it is you...

Was taking a session in the class a few months back, at one point I gave an example on exam preparation. I was explaining with my personal example on how I used to study for 18 hours a day without stress by planning my time. After the class, a student approached and said “Sir, you were able to study for 18 hours because its you, we can’t study like that, what should we do…?

Recently, at work, I came across another instance where I was explaining a concept to a colleague by giving my example. Again I got the same response – “Tu to Tu hai na, tu kar sakta hai…” (that’s because its you, you can do it)…

Looking back at it, this is a very common reaction we all have.

I realized that I too have that weakness. Whenever I see my Teacher, Mom, Seniors or anybody doing something very well or achieving excellence in something, the first thought that comes to my mind is “That’s because its him / her… I don’t think I can be like that”

This innocent looking (at times flattering) comment is probably the worst think we can do to ourselves.

Why?

Lets see how:

1.      First, we are placing someone at a very high pedestal (this is probably not wrong)

2.      Second, we are telling ourselves that the person is up there because he/she is an extraordinary person and not everyone can be there.

3.      Third and the most dangerous one – We tell ourselves that only he/she can be there, we can’t.

What we are doing in the process is that we are undermining ourselves and destroying any remaining chances we had for achieving that status.

Over and Over I have heard this statement about myself and others – “You are able to do it because its you, we are ordinary people, we can’t be like you”

It is a good thing to be impressed by someone’s achievements, and its totally different to put oneself down looking at another’s achievements.

If you see someone singing or playing guitar very well, its good to be impressed by that. But its not okay to tell yourself that you can never do it. All it takes is a couple of months in music classes.

If your friend is very good in maths / accounts / science and always gets a rank because of it, its good to be impressed, but that doesn’t give you a right to tell yourself that "only he/she can get 1^st rank, I can’t". All it takes is a couple of months of additional tuitions in that subject.

If your colleague is better than you, its just a matter of time you will also be there.

I’ve have already made a correction for myself by following a simple trick.

Now, when I see someone excelling in a field, I am impressed. I tell the person that its amazing, wow, great and so on.

If it is something I don’t want to do, I stop there.

If it is something which I want to do, I just go ahead and ask the person what is required to reach there. Very often the other person is more than willing to help me out.

Otherwise, I figure out a way for myself and find out what needs to be done and do it.

But in no case... never anymore do I use this sentence… “That’s because its you…”

If you cannot handle the answer… Don’t ask the question…

Recently I was part of an event where I was helping a few students prepare their presentations.

On the day of presentations, one of the student speakers came to me and said “In this particular part of the presentation, I am making a statement. Do you think that  instead of making a statement it is a better idea to pose a question to the audience?”

I knew that the speaker was a first time speaker on the stage. I told – “If you pose a question, the audience can either say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in response to your question. Do you think you are prepared to handle the answer? Plus, its not a good idea to make last minute changes to a thorough preparation.” The speaker went ahead with the earlier preparation and didn’t pose it as a question.

What goes around comes around, including lessons of life.

In the very same event, I was also responsible for crowd management. As a part of my plan, people were not supposed to leave the hall before a certain time. However, they started leaving. So I took the mic and addressed the crowd. I knew this particular gathering of students takes great pride in themselves. So I addressed the crowd and asked the question “Are you all students of a professional course?” I was expecting a “Yes” so then I would tell them to show it by behaving and being seated and the crowd will get managed.

What I forgot is that these students take great pride in crushing another person’s ego.

As soon as I asked the question, I was slapped with a resounding “NO” from the crowd. All 1500+ at the same time. That day I realized how it feels when the heart, brain and tongue stop working all at the same time.

After about a nano second of shock, I asked the question again (I was actually buying time to figure out a response for myself). Again the response came as “NO”.

Third time I Asked “No?”

A resounding “NO?” (By now, I knew what I was doing, I was prepared for a “NO” next time as well.)

“Final Time, NO?”
“NO”

“Then be seated!!!” was my response

Instantly the crowd broke into a huge laughter and settled down. I just took a minute to explain the crowd management plan to the students and they were willing to be seated for some more time.

The lesson I learnt here was, first of all, I myself had given a lesson to someone earlier and didn’t follow it for myself.

Second, obviously I had asked a question but was not prepared to handle all the possible answers. I was only ready to handle the answer I wanted to hear.

This was the second time I made this mistake, even when I proposed to my fiancé, I was prepared for all the negative responses because that is what I was expecting, but she shocked me by saying Yes and I didn’t know how to handle.

The above questions were still questions with a purpose, worst part is that we all have this bad habit of asking useless questions just for the sake of asking.

Do you love me? How much do you love me? Do I look fat?

And then, we expect that the answer should also be as per our choice.

Well, Sorry, this is not Utopia.

Just imagine how it would feel if you get any of these answers:

Do you love me? --- No.

How much do you love me? --- I love you as much as my Playstation 2.

Do I look fat? --- Of course, what do you expect sitting on the couch and watching melodrama all day long?

What is the purpose of my life? --- You being born was just a mistake.

Why am I going through all this? --- Because you were an absolute sinner in the last life and you are paying for it now.

Whether it is the above questions or any other question at workplace, in profession, to my teacher, the lesson I learnt from this experience is that:

1.      If I ask a question, I will accept the answer with an open mind.

2.      I will ask a question only if I am prepared to handle the answer… whatever it might be.

We see what we want to see...

Recently I went with my friends to buy a suit for myself. There is this age old rivalry between my body and readymades… they never fit.

After a bit of time and effort, I finally liked a suit with a beautiful blazer design. As I tried it on, the shoulders, collar and chest fit perfectly, as if it was made for me.

But, the mid section was way too narrow and my “prosperity” around the waist was clearly visible.

I was busy looking at the well fitting parts of the blazer and was more than willing to buy it.

All this time, my friends were looking at the waist and not willing to buy it.

Finally I agreed and we moved on to the next shop in our quest for the “Perfect Fitting Suit”

What set me thinking was that because I liked the design of the blazer and the way it fit on the shoulders, I was willing to ignore the bad fitting at the waist.

At the same time, because my friends were looking at the bad fitting, they were not willing to look at the well fitting portions of it.

Had a similar experience in office a few days ago. I was working on a particularly complicated document. All this time I was paying special attention to every calculation and checked and double checked to make sure it was fine. When I finally sent out the document, my senior came back asking why I had not covered a point in the introduction section. This was supposed to be a very basic, simple point but was critical to the clarity of the whole document. In my entire focus on the complicated, I had overlooked the simple things in the document.

Was just thinking about a loved one last night and again this concept was glaring in my face.

I was thinking how in the last few years, that person has become less caring, has done a few wrongs and a distance has been created because of these things. Right now, I’m seeing the wrongs in that person and willing to let go of the relationship. But this is the same person who helped in a very critical part of my early life and unknowingly is responsible for where I have grown today.

Why am I not seeing those goods in the person to keep the relationship.

Just because I like a person, I’m willing to see the good on that person… and just because I don’t like a person, I’m able to see only the bad in that person.

Why go too far… he / she has a crooked nose, is too fat etc… but because of that will you let go of that special friend? No… Because you are willing to see the good qualities, you don’t care about the physical appearances.

When I was learning auditing, my boss always used to say… “Gulshan, you hear only what you want to hear… you see only what you want to see. Come out of that trap and see the information as a whole, both the rights and the wrongs, only then you can be a good auditor”

Without realizing, he was giving me a lesson of life…

“If I can rise above what I want to see, I can see a lot more.”

One sees a difficult exam… another sees less competition…

One sees recession… another sees time to consolidate…

One sees possessiveness… another sees jealousy…

One sees caring… another sees interference…

One sees Hitler… another sees discipline…

One sees ahimsa… another sees cowardice…

One sees faith… another sees superstition…

We see what we want to see!!!

Have you seen God?

I have this friend (lets call him Dondu) who has a hobby of getting involved into “Intellectual” discussions just for the sake if it.

One such day while having a coffee, he asked me --- “Have you seen Ghosts?”

“I haven’t” I replied.

Dondu continued telling his story, “We had a neighbouring house which was haunted and we used to hear sounds at night, it was quite freaky and we used to……..”

At this time, Dondu’s cell phone rang and he started talking to the caller about the new credit card offer. Once done, he came back to the topic.

While he was talking, there was a parallel thought process going on inside my head.

Somewhere down the line, Dondu asked me --- “Have you seen God?”

“I’m happy I haven’t yet” I replied.

The look he gave me was as if he was looking at someone who has escaped from a mental asylum.

Finally he said – “Chhod yar… tujhse baat karna hi bekar hai…” (Its no use talking to you)

Looking back at it… Everything that runs this world, every single force which we have harnessed, cannot be seen.

Cell phones work on Radio Signals or Microwaves (CDMA/GSM)… We can’t see those signals.

Microwave Ovens… We cannot see the microwave energy waves.

Radiation used to generate Nuclear energy… We cannot see it.

X-Rays… We cannot see it.

Electricity… We cannot see it. (We can only see a manifestation of electricity in form of a bulb…)

Wind… We cannot see it. (We can see the particles and objects flying in wind, not the wind)

FM Radio Signal… We cannot see it.

Satellite Signals… We cannot see them.

Ghosts… we cannot see them.

God…

Lets first try to see the day to day things, then try and talk about seeing the Ultimate energy source that runs the Universe.

For us to actually see the things discussed above, they need to manifest themselves into a form, in great concentration. Trust me, as fragile humans we may not be able to handle the manifestation.

When exposed to microwaves, radiations and Xrays for long durations, we run the risk of diseases, mutations, cancers.

When Electricity manifests itself, it becomes lightning carrying millions of volts to become visible. Trust me, you don’t want to be anywhere closeby at that time.

When Wind energy manifests itself in form of Tornadoes and storms, we all know what happens.

When Ghosts decide to make themselves visible, you and I would probably be looking for the nearest rest room.

Then what makes us even think that we are ready to See God?

What have we achieved in life to deserve seeing God?

There are forces, energies, spirits, vibrations, whatever you call them, they have been there forever and will probably be there for ever.

As a person, its my job to respect them and utilise them in the right manner (okay, not utilise ghosts, but other positive energies that exist) without interfering with these forces.

I Shouldn't Have...

Recently, I was on an eating spree with a few friends. We were a group of about 5 friends and eating dinner at restaurants everyday. There was this amazing character in the group who I found to be particularly interesting, he was a huge guy (6ft 3), lets call him the “Big Guy”.

When we ordered the meal on the first day, he ordered only a Fruit Salad and a Juice.. Reason being that he was on a diet. I ordered for a Cheese Veg Augratin for myself J.

started Then, as our orders arriving, he got interested in a particular dish another friend had ordered and took a bite from it. This way he took a test bite from all the orders. Finally he really liked one particular grilled dish and order a portion for himself.

After the meal, we ordered desserts and the Big Guy followed the same routine. He first ordered only a single scoop vanilla icecream but ended up ordering another Banana Split Large.

At the end of the dinner, He was the one who had started off by saying that he was on a diet and He was the one who ended up eating the most.

As we were coming out of the restaurant, I heard the Big Guy saying “Today’s dinner was too heavy, I shouldn’t have eaten so much.”

Next day, the Big Guy came to office with a Heart Burn and spent the full day saying that he would follow a disciplined diet for the rest of the week.

That evening, the same story repeated itself.

Next Morning, “I think I have an upset stomach” says the Big Guy.

This process of filling up well and cribbing away the next morning went on for the whole week.

At one time, I really felt like asking “You decided to eat less, nobody kept a gun on your head and asked you to overeat, you yourself decided to order the excess food, you yourself over-ate… then what is the point of complaining?”

This is just the example, so many times we do things which we know are not okay. We ourselves decide that we won’t do something, then we ourselves override our own decision, and then we complain.

This is the inability to stick to one’s decision. It reflects in every aspect of a persons life, office, personal life, health… everywhere.

If I find myself saying this sentence very often – “I shouldn’t have…”, then maybe, just maybe I’m suffering from a weakness where I can’t stick to my own decisions.

I guess, if I can take care of this one weakness, I will be a much Better and Responsible decision maker.

Ok... I'll be tolerant... but...

Have been thinking this since I wrote the last post.
In the last post, I ended by saying that I will give a benefit of doubt to someone who does something wrong to me.
I know that the next thing you will ask me is "Gulshan... This person has done wrong to me again and again... people have hurt me, cheated me over and over again so many times... how can you ask me to give him/her a benefit of doubt?"
I'll tell you the story of 2 amazing characters I know. We'll call them Chunnu and Munnu (names changed for obvious reasons).
Both Chunnu and Munnu were born as innocent as angels. At the right time, they were introduced to this world and the different types of people who live in it. Both of them faced deception, hurt from their loved ones, but the way they dealt with it was quite different.
Every time Chunnu was hurt or cheated, he became smarter while dealing with the same person next time. He continued to relate with that person, but with Caution. Over a period of time, Chunnu developed a sense of identifying when someone had wrong intentions. In all these years I know Chunnu, he has never been cheated twice by anybody. Infact, in the last few years, nobody has managed to come close to causing any harm to Chunnu.
Lets look at Munnu now, Every time someone hurt him, he went into sad and grumpy mode. Then, the person would come and say "Sorry", speak a few sweet things and they are friends again. Sometime later, the same person would do wrong to Munnu again and the cycle of life goes on for Munnu.
There's no use trying to guess who Chunnu and Munnu are, what's important is that this could be your story and mine.
I really admire Chunnu for his qualities - He's good. He's good to even those who are bad to him. He gives a benefit of doubt to people when they make mistakes. But more importantly, also relates cautiously once people have made a mistake.
Chunnu's policy is simple --- I Will be Good, But I will not allow others to use me as a Doormat. Just because someone is bad, I will not stop being Good.

Coming back to the question "What do I do with the people who have hurt me repeatedly and intentionally?"
Well, If someone can hurt me once, it is his/her skill, but if he/she can hurt me again, its my foolishness...

We are Tolerant with God but not with Man...

The topic in this post came to me through my teacher. Today it comes to you through me. When I heard it, it was theory. Just recently I experienced it practically.

One fellow fell from the first floor balcony and broke his arm. In the hospital, I heard one of the neighbours saying "Thank God its just a fracture and he didn't suffer any serious injuries"

A few years ago, one of my relative had his leg literally shattered in a freak accident. Doctors had to operate for hours and implant a metal rod to save his leg. I heard his mom say in the hospital "Thank God that I have my son back"

I was a part of a bike accident last Feb when my bike malfunctioned and skid in the middle of the road for no reason. The only reason I lived to write this post is that the nearest vehicle behind me (a public transport bus) was far behind and swerved in time to avoid my head. The moment I got up I said in my mind "Thank God the bus was far behind"

These were our transactions with God. Lets look at how we transact with Man.

That guy said he will call back and didn't call back. The first thought that comes to our mind is "He's trying to avoid me"
Someone forgot your birthday and you think "He's taking revenge because I said something wrong to him"
Your boss comes and fires you for something you did wrong and you start thinking that your boss does partiality because he didn't fire your colleague when that colleague made a mistake.
You don't go to his wedding because he didn't come to yours.

Why are we able to practice tolerance with God but don't have any tolerance with Man?

Just because we think God is all powerful we try to look for positive in all his actions.
Just because we think we can be more powerful than another person, we don't have any tolerance towards that person.

I'm not saying that we should treat everyone as God.
Atleast, can I give a benefit of doubt to a person's mistakes and just tell myself "He/she is a good person. There must be a reason for whatever he/she did, let me give him/her one more chance"

I guess if I could just achieve this much, the way I look at things will change for my own good.