Am I looking for a "reason to do" or Am I looking for a "reason not to do"???

Had to make a decision recently. There is this certain project in which I participate every year, this year also the project is happening but I had not signed up for it. The reasoning I had was that I may not be able to do justice to the project due to other commitments. I kept on postponing my registration because of this reason.
I spoke to my guide in the project and after some time of discussion (just a 4 minute telephone call), I was very sure and confident that I can take it up and execute what is expected from me.
What has shaken me up was the fact that just before I spoke to the person, I was convinced that I won't be doing the project this year. After I spoke to him, I was convinced that I will do the project this year.
What changed in the 4 minute conversation we had?
I realised that the reason for my decision was not because I had commitments or I was busy or I don't know how to plan my time or any of those reasons. But somehow I had convinced myself that I don't want to do the project this year, and because of this conviction, I was able to see all the reasons not to go ahead.
Before we spoke, I was looking for a reason for not doing the project. After I spoke, I realised the value which is added to me by the project and how I can return it, and suddenly I was looking for a reason to do the project.

One more example...
You came home, tired from a day full of office work. She said lets go for an evening walk. You said you are too tired. Walk cancelled. You received a call from a friend, he has got 2 tickets for "Fast & Furious 5", guess what, you are on your way to the movie theatre.
Keeping it short and sweet, you were looking for a reason for not going on the walk, on the other hand you were looking for a reason to go on the movie.
If you are one of those newly weds, you are probably leaving your office early these days to go on an evening walk with her... in this case, you are looking for a reason to go on a walk with her...

Same is applicable in so many aspects of our lives...

I'll keep this one short because I am still understanding the impact of this realisation...
The only rule I follow these days is that for everything I do (or I don't want to do), I ask myself one question - "Whether I'm looking for a reason to do, or am I looking for a reason not to do?"

A fingertip can block the sun...

Was driving my bike to the office today morning. I always wear full face helmet while driving and very often close the visor (glass) to avoid dust getting into my eyes. Mine is an old helmet and the visor has quite a few scratches but I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t notice the scratches anymore when I drive with the visor on.

Its funny that I am able to see through the scratches and look at the long road ahead. On one of the very initial days of my bike riding, this very scratch had caused an accident when I was busy looking at the scratch on the glass while driving. I missed the red light and ended up with the bike on top of me.

But today, with enough training (or habit), I can ignore the scratch and drive comfortably.

Even more interesting was the fact that I can shift focus of my eyes such that when I want to see the road, I’m able to see it and when I want to see the scratches, I’m able to shift my focus and see them too.

This scratch, at one time, had the ability to block my entire range of vision.

I was sitting with a very close friend a few weeks back and we had met after a long time. We spent a long time recalling the good old school days, how we had fun, spoke about a lot of old friends and so on. Somewhere in the conversation, my friend said something which was not ok, although he said it very casually but it was something not ok. Right now, as I sit and try to recall, more than any of the topics we spoke about, this casual remark is what I can remember.

This one remark has the ability to spoil the memories of my entire day. It is now my choice whether I want to hold on to it or relish the memories of the rest of the day.

I remember when I used to take interviews, I had rejected a good candidate just because his shoe was not polished while he was very well dressed otherwise.

Lets say you are looking at the sunrise. Just hold your finger tip very close to your eye so that the finger tip is blocking the sun from your view. Hold you finger so close that it is just half a centimeter away from your eye.

(Ok, if it is nighttime right now, then just look at the moon and do the same exercise.)

What is important is that a finger, which can’t even be measured on the same scale as the sun, can cover the sun and hide it from your line of sight.

Same is the case with all of us in various aspects of our lives, one thing which is not okay has the ability to block our entire vision. One discussion can spoil the relationship, one weak subject can spoil the exams, one small mistake can spoil the impression built over years.

We hold the problem so close that it starts blocking our ability to see including our ability to see solutions.

“Ok Gulshan, you’ve made your point, now how do we solve it?”

Going back to the sun example which we saw above, remember that you were holding the finger half a centimeter away from your eye. Now start moving the finger away from your eye, you will see that the finger starts appearing smaller and smaller and you can see more things at the same time.

Moving the finger away from the eye… does that mean running away from the problem?

No.

It just means that we emotionally detach ourselves from the problem so we can see the solution more clearly.

Yes, we definitely need to get away from the problem but not by running away. We either solve the problem, if we can’t solve it then find someone with a higher intelligence who can help us to solve it, or if it is something so small that it won’t have any impact on my life, then as well ignore it and be happier.

Think about it… Just a fingertip can block the sun.

Something's wrong with me...

This guy went to a Doctor with a pain issue.
Doctor: What is the problem?
Patient: I've got body pain.
Doctor: Where does it pain?
Patient: Everywhere.
Doctor: Can you show me where?
The patient used his left index finger to point out all the places. He touched his left ankle, right knee, stomach, right elbow, right shoulder, neck, nose and forehead and said all these places are hurting.
The doctor was smart, he took a bandage and tied it on the patient's left index finger.

I gave an instruction to one person, he executed it incorrectly. I gave the same instruction to another person and he made the same mistake. I have 2 options - either keep complaining that nobody understands me, or think again. Maybe the problem is not with the people but something is wrong in the way I am giving instructions.

I worked with one boss, it was a bad experience. I worked with another boss, it was even more horrible, I have never been able to find a good boss. There are 2 possibilities - Either the God decided to give me the most pathetic bosses, or greater chances are that something is wrong with me as an employee.

I went to this coaching centre to study but didn't pass the exams, I went to another one, I didn't pass the exams...
I read this book but it didn't click, I read that book but even that didn't click for me...
I have never had a loving relationship...

If I find myself repeating any of the above statements, then chances are that I'm making the same mistake as the patient we met at the beginning of this post.

Infact, all of us make the same mistake as that patient.

When everything around us looks wrong, maybe the best place to look at is within...

Maybe... just maybe something is wrong with us...

Security = Carelessness = Problem

Something I have heard a number of times but have started realizing only recently. I’m still realising.

Dondu  - “If your horoscope for today said that you will live a long and healthy life, will you go and stand in front of an oncoming train?”

Gullu    - “Yes”

Dondu  - “Are you crazy? How can you say Yes”

Gullu    - “No, I’m not crazy, but that’s what I will do…”

Dondu  - “Why?”

Gullu    - “Because that’s what we all do… always…”

I had asked my colleague to prepare and keep a document ready by evening. On the same day, I asked my loved one to take a bunch of printouts before I reach home in the evening.

When I was closing my day, I asked the colleague whether he had completed the document, he made me wait for 10 minutes before giving the document, when I got the document, it was full of mistakes. So I had to sit and explain the whole thing again and make sure he understood it fine. Then I said, “I need it by tomorrow morning 10:30, it will be good if you could finish it by then” (how polite... tolerant... nice... isn't it?)

Left office, reached home, asked for the printout I had told my loved one to take and keep. It so happened that due to some issue in the printer, one page was printed half and another page got missed out. My first reaction was “I told you to take just a simple printout, you can’t even do that properly. How many times have I told you to check the printouts after taking. You can’t do even a simple task without making a mistake is it? Bow wow wow… bow bow bow…. Grrrrrr…..”

Why was I tolerant with the colleague but not with a loved one??? Maybe it was the thought that if I speak rudely, the colleague will just resign and go away, so I have to watch my language. Just because my loved one cannot or will not leave me and go, I take things for granted and speak the way I want to…

Just because there is a security in a relationship doesn’t mean I can become careless and take the relationship for granted.

This is true with so many aspects of life.

When a friend of mine bought a brand new laptop, he was not going to any internet site which shows advertisements, he was afraid of a virus attack. Now that he has the antivirus installed, he purposely goes to all kinds of sites possible to see if the antivirus protection is strong enough or not. Just because you have an antivirus doesn’t mean you have a license to take risks with your computer…

Remember when all of us joined our first jobs… the first 6 months were probation and we did our best, learnt the most, grew the fastest in those 6 months. Then we got the confirmation of job. Now that there is security of job, slowly the speed was lost, you started losing interest, started complaining about things, started cursing your boss... if you are still in the same job, chances are that you just go to office in the morning and come back in the evening.

Just because you have a job security doesn’t mean you can take your work casually…

Just because I am wearing a seatbelt or helmet I don’t get the right to drive recklessly…

Just because my girl friend is now my wife, it doesn’t mean I should stop saying “Love you so much” 25 times a day…

Just because I have a healthy relationship I don’t have the right to take things and people for granted…

Just because my horoscope said that I will live a long and healthy life, I don’t get a right to go and stand in front of an oncoming train?

Think about it…

Sangham Sharanam Gachhami…

Just recently I realized how much impact the company one keeps can have on one’s personality..

Sangham Sharanam Gachhami… This is the last line of a 3 line prayer having its origins in Buddhism. Literally translated, it simply means – I go towards the accompaniment (of wise men).

I have always loved to crack jokes and my jokes are generally the clean ones which you can share with your mom and sister. However, there was a time when I used to share and enjoy the “not so clean” jokes as well but that was long long ago and with a very different set of friends. Recently, I shared a few of “those” old jokes with my friends and they were quite surprised to hear them from me… “Gulshan… you have changed… you have grown up…”  etc and such other responses. Looking back I realized that I had started relating with my earlier set of friends which was bringing back the earlier, ordinary class habits to me.

At another point, I had unknowingly picked up the word “Raja” (meaning king) in my conversations, I would address anybody and everybody as Raja. Do this Raja, don’t do that Raja and so on. Again, a friend pointed out to me and asked where I had picked this habit. I realized that my boss used this word a lot and unknowingly I had picked it up from him.

Back in school days, I had started speaking wrong language after I moved to a new school. Almost every sentence would start with “Saale” (a slang word). Now looking back at it I realize that the set of friends I had in the new school were used to that kind of language and I had picked it up.

Infact, its not just about language. One of my friend had a habit of winking slightly whenever he spoke and a few months later I had my mom asking my why I was winking while talking.

There was this one character in my very early jobs who always used to crib about everything. Over time I had my boss asking my why I was becoming so negative in my approach.

This is true with every aspect of my life. When with irritating people, I start getting irritated; when with gloomy people, I find it difficult to be happy; when with happy people, I feel happier; when with smart people, I feel I’m working much more efficiently; when with punctual people, I am punctual and so on….

Irrespective of how strong I am personally, the company I keep will eventually start having its effects… both positive and negative.

Maybe it is a weakness, maybe it’s a strength. But all I know is that my "Sangham" has a huge impact on my personality and character.

Sangham Sharanam Gachhami…

This statement is much more powerful that it looks. It is true in both directions, When I am in a good sangham, I grow. When I am in ordinary sangham, I continue to live an ordinary life.

I guess the best way to use this understanding in my favour is to be in the best possible company. I maintain a company of smart, efficient, knowledgeable people, if nothing else, I’ll probably land up being half as good as them. The chances of growth for me are definitely much better that way when compared to keeping ordinary company.

This post is not just about me, try to replace me with yourself and you just might find it completely applicable to you as well.

I will not keep agents in my communication...

Was just thinking of a game we used to play in school days. We would sit in a large circle, I would whisper a sentence in ears of the person sitting on my right. He would whisper the same sentence in the ears of person to his right and eventually the sentence would come back to me after travelling the full circle.
Those of us who have played the game will know very well that the sentence I said and the sentence which came back to me will never be the same. Quite probably it will be 2 totally different sentences. A huge learning in this game which I realised only recently.
Was a part of a wedding function a few years ago. We were the bride’s side and I was playing a role in some of the organizing activities from the bride's side. In our tradition, we give a lot of respect and special hospitality to the groom’s side including all the guests from the groom’s side.
As the function was going on, the waiters were moving around the crowd with snacks and drinks in their hands and serving the guests. It was a mixed crowd with guests from both the bride and the groom’s sides.
At one point I saw a group of few people from the groom’s side who were standing without a drink or snack in their hand. On the other side, there was a waiter serving another group of guests from the bride’s side. Since I was busy, I told my cousin to go and tell the waiter “Serve the groom’s side and make sure they are comfortable. Take their comfort as a priority”. This cousin of mine, nice guy, went and told the waiter “Stop serving here and go serve the groom’s side”.
Obviously, the guests being served at that time heard him (they were my own relatives from the girl's side), and got upset with the whole thing. It became a huge issue, "Just because we are from bride's side doesn't mean you can treat us the way you want?", "How can you treat us like that?", "Why do you have to invite us and then insult us in front of everyone?"... and so on...
I tried to explain that even I am from the bride's side, we are just trying to be good hosts to the groom's side. Being on bride's side you should understand... but nobody listened.
It was an ugly experience to listen to bad things when all I wanted was to make this the best and most memorable function, after doing so much for the guests, I still had to listen to complaints.
The mistake I made was that I relied on someone else to pass on my communication. It could have been much easier if I had gone and said the same thing to the waiter. I know that I could have handled the situation much more diplomatically.
We all do this delegation of communication...
"Mom, Can you please ask Dad to get me a cricket set?"
"Can you inform Boss on my behalf?"
"I had a fight with her, we are not talking, can you tell her I am sorry?"
and so on...
Looking back at it, we even need an agent to communicate with our God...
The realisation I will take from this post is that "I will never have agents in my communication"
At times its much better to do things myself, especially when it involves communication.
Does that mean I will stop delegating work and do everything myself?
No. That will slow down my growth in life.
I will still continue to delegate but I will not delegate my communication. Whether it is a mail or SMS to be sent, or whether it is a discussion. If it involves my decision, I will be in the communication.

I will not allow the memories of my yesterday to ruin my today…

Was a part of a major conference recently. The event was a runaway hit, but as it goes with any event involving a large number of people, we had a lot of challenges, differences, failures, internal issues etc. End of all, it was a great event and I have a lot of beautiful memories of it.

Yesterday when I was talking to the friend about watching the video recording of all the events, he said – “I don’t want to watch the videos”

“Why?”

“Because I have so many bad memories of it that everytime I watch the video, I will remember those bad things”

“But there are so many good things, speeches, learnings from the video”

“Still, I can’t enjoy it…”

What has happened here is that my friend is now going to lose out on the good memories because he is holding on to the bad ones. Everytime the discussion about the videos comes up, he can remember the bad things.

Why is it that we all like to hold on to the bad experiences rather than the good ones.

I fell in the trap once when I went to watch the movie with my girl friend. Just before we entered the movie theatre, we decided to pick up some pop corn and soda. It was taking long for the snacks and she did not want to miss the beginning of the movie,  so she rushed into the theatre and asked me to get the snacks. I remember feeling very upset about the whole thing --- “She thinks that movie beginning is more important than me” “She doesn’t care if I have to stand alone over here” “I wanted to spend time with her” and so on… at one point I felt like leaving the snacks then and there and let her watch the movie alone… Of course, finally we watched the movie together and enjoyed it.

She didn’t hurt me purposely and probably I was acting childishly and overreacting. Of course, we patched up later.

We would have seen a number of movies together but this one experience is what I remember more clearly than any other experience (Of course, without the hurt)

I’m sure I would have done similar mistakes where I have unknowingly hurt her.

Lets do this exercise, take each one of your relationships, try to recall  atleast 3 overwhelmingly positive experiences in this relationship. Now try to recall  any 3 negative experiences. I can bet my moustaches that its easier for you to recall the negative experiences.

That is a trap.

More important issue is that we hold on to these negative experiences and allow that hurt to spoil our present. Even if there is a slight disagreement, we pull out all the past experiences to show where all the other person has been wrong.

This is not just about relationships…

Just because I failed once in the exams doesn’t mean I should write off myself. I have seen so many students going through this. They wrote an exam and failed. Now while preparing again, they go through self condemnation, considering themselves failures and writing themselves off. Hey, if you could pass all exams always, then they won’t be exams.

In business, if 3 sales calls go bad back to back, you start considering yourself as a bad salesman.

We all hold on to the hurt of our yesterday and destroy or today in the process.

“Does that mean we should totally forget the past?”

“No”

We should remember the past, because the mistakes from the past will make us wiser. What we should drop is the hurt.

By holding on to the experience and the learning from a past event, I become wiser.
By dropping the hurt, the memories of my yesterday can no longer ruin my today.